Captured Thoughts 1989 to 1990

This was my first collection of thoughts which were part ramblings of my life with a couple of long questions in between which I thought of as poems. I decided to start a little book which was just the inside of a school exercise book. I started this in October 1989 and so by this point we knew the cancer had returned and the diagnosis was terminal. We just didn’t know how long? The final poem was 3 months after she had died.

Apologies for swear words that pop up but this was myself aged 15/16 and I had only just started to use such language and  was feeling inwardly angry! I also, reading back, was becoming aware of myself and how I seemed to think differently than others. I had thought this for much of my life but here it starts to come out.

I also do not worry about grammar, I have typed it as I wrote it. I feel this is important as it shows the thinking process and when thoughts roll over as you feel as you write. I think this is as important as the words used sometimes! Hopefully as well, in time, it shows my development in writing and improvement in grammar lol!!

 

The Long, The Short and The Tall – 5th Oct 1989

The good times I had

Mum, Dad and I

What happened to those days?

Young I was

No worries, No problems

Just an easy life I thought lie ahead

But things went wrong.

The divorced

Mum and I became close at the age of 9

Then along came him at 12.

He was pushing me out.

Arguments they had

All about me, I felt

I was in the way

Wanted to get out.

Saw mum cry.

Killing herself was an easy way out, she thought, but then

The vision of me.

All pressure again

She loves me dearly

like sister, best mate, mum, all 3 in 1.

My mums the best mum in

the world and no one’s going

to change our bond.

We’ll love each other

even when she’s gone

I’ll visit her.

I know she wants me to

have a happy life,

No grandchildren she’ll see

No nanny she’ll be

But the thought will be

there

Her spirit she’ll see

That the best love in

the world we’ll have, for each other

And no one can change that

Not even he!

 

Him? – 5th October 1989

I hate him I do

Never forgive

If he wasn’t there

She’d still live

to see me marry, have kids

and a good career

But cos of he

She’ll never see the year!

 

My Inner Fears – 5th October 1989

Friends I’ve got

Not one can I trust

My best mate is she, my mum.

No one I can tell about my problems, How I really feel, I don’t even know,

Tears bottled up for weeks

Can’t let them out

If I cry her tether is shortened

Strong I must be for her

sake and mine

Nobody knows the fears I face

when I walk into my home

Will she be there to greet me?

Will she be quiet?

Or will it just happen

So scared am I

I’m scared to look into those eyes

In case they’re yellow

Then it will start

Illness after illness

And the pain will never die in me

as I blame him

I know I shouldn’t

But who else

two years of nagging, fighting

And it ends like this

It ruined our lives

He doesn’t care

A wimp he is

Only I understand, she tells

everything, I sit and listen

Cos I love her and

Don’t you forget it!

 

The Time – 5th October 1989

My mum I’m afraid

I’ll lose her soon

I know,

So much pressure I’ve got,

Can’t talk to anyone

about her,

No one understands.

Alone am I in this dark world.

 

Facing Realisation – 23rd January 1990

Talked a lot to mum today about childhood and memories. It angers me I’m unable to capture those memories of everyday life that’s happy to me. The family get together. I’m getting really upset writing this, tears trickling down my cheeks, lumps appear in my throat thinking of all those days. I want to recall them all so I won’t ever forget them and they’ll always be there for me. I know she’ll be there with me but she won’t give me advice. I suppose I’m living to be another her. She gives me all my thoughts. She may have adapted her thoughts in me but I believe in them al through I can see other people’s as well. I remember all those things, the houses I’ve lived in, the things I achieved and they gave me praise for, my little country school I started life at, swimming every Thursday, 50p I paid. It really was good, no worries but now she’s ill I want to do so many things with her before she goes, she’ll never see me get married, have kids, she’ll never be a grandma, she’ll never choose my wedding dress but I know she’ll be there. I’ll never be able to pop and see her cos she physically won’t be there. Tears all rolling now. Why does it have to be her? I’m writing all my thoughts down and this proves I’ve got no one else to talk to about the way I feel. All this book will reflect is my feelings, inner fears and all that on the certain days. I’ve got lots of fears bottled up inside and I cry more on my own than I’ve ever cried before. We can talk freely to each other and understand each other. I want to have a tape of her saying all things to me and like saying she loves me, good luck on your wedding day, good luck in your career so that when I achieve the things every mother wants to see her child achieve, I can play the tape as if she was there so she can be more with e but I can’t bring myself to ask her. I wish I could as that’s one thing I really want. I think it’s only just hit me, what’s really happening. I’m really upset and I just hope she pulls through as much as she can. As long as she can.

 

The Return – 20th February 1990

He’s started again

Doesn’t surprise me

His dads just died

Devastated is he

But I still hold that grudge

Of about 4 years ago

When he hurt me a lot

And never stood by to help

Well now he expects help

From me he’ll have no chance

Cos I’ve got that anger inside

And it stands in the way

Why should I help him?

I feel sorry for him as I would for anybody

But help I will not give.

Mum’s ill, she doesn’t need this

He knows it but won’t face it.

I’ve accepted it and trying to help her,

Oh I don’t know do you?

 

Secrets Freed – 20th February 1990

I’ve asked her now

A tape she’ll do

It was ever so easy

I’ve told her about this book, she’ll read it one day, Hi Mum!

I’ll have no secrets now

But I don’t care

She’s the one I want to share

them with as she’s the best

Good on yer Mum, I love you

See you tomorrow and everyday after, won’t I?

Dreams – 20th February 1990

A boyfriend, A hunk, kind, loving,

caring, fun like G

Kissin and cuddlin, security

thin like a model

Naturally attractive

Then I’d be someone

Some self confidence

They’d all love me wouldn’t they?

They should accept me for myself

What I am, what I want to be.

I see him nearly every night.

I may get off with him one.

When we’re alone in his car I feel

So happy, maybe it’s him but it’s just a dream, right!

 

A Release – 20th February 1990

My stomachs all knotted

So is my mind

I’m really upset

but I hide it away

I’ve got thoughts of here

I feel so tired

I feel like crying

I’ve bottled it all up

Want to let it out

But I can’t, I’ve got to be strong

But it will tear me down.

I want to go alone somewhere

But where, I can’t run off

Maybe I can but it’s not me

is it or could it be?

 

Depression Strikes For The Lonely – 17th May 1990 going into early hours of my 16th birthday

The night of May 17th,

Day  before my birthday night

Real happy was I

But then when I’m happy I

become down right, yeah

always never ending.

He fixes me up, lets me down.

Did it mean candy to him or sweet FA

He wrote a word or two to C it was. He likes her a lot although going out with L. He don’t know. He said it’s about nothing well course it’s about something, so depressed am I, why don’t he like me, I feel I could cry. I am hard towards him but does he deserve it, no probably not. Why aren’t I sure of myself. There must be something right about me. He says I have no self confidence, well what do you expect? If no one likes me and that’s how I feel but G says it’s my fault but when you think how I do, who’s else could it probably be? I blame GF cos he’s the nearest one to blame and mum’s all upset although she’s done my bedroom in balloons and signs, brings back memories of the past birthdays I had in Wilby. How peaceful but not now. Why can’t I be like everyone else. There’s gotta be something that went wrong but there again G says it’s me but I don’t believe it cos I just don’t and pigs might fly. He’s going out with L, playing around with C and where does that leave me, sod all. I want him to know how I feel, I may even let him read this, who knows? He thinks he knows how I feel, Fuck does he. I’ve anger, hate, love, all mixed up. I want to be young but then I want to be old. All my friends have boyfriends and all that but I just live in a dream. Alright, he is a good mate but I’ve looked too hard at that ‘mate’ for too long, why should I suffer and always suffer. C don’t know I like him as much as I do and why, because I don’t want her to feel guilty. Nobody knows what happened Bank Holiday weekend but I think they do you know. I bet he’s told someone and I keep denying it to myself maybe cos I don’t want to believe it as I know it was a mistake because he feels fuck all. You can hear the anger in my words. I can feel it as I write but it’s not only to do with him. It’s my life but what one? I don’t know how I’ll live at the moment, I just want to stay tucked away on my own but that’s not reality. Everyone seems so happy and there I am in the middle but what a front eh! I’m good at fooling people. I’ve spent a good few years doing it. I don’t think he’s got any idea how hung up I am on him but then it’s probably be no good anyway I mean so if he knew what could he do about it? Nothing. Sod all because he obviously doesn’t feel like it. Can’t force him can we (we as in me and myself instead of me and her whoever she be). I just want to kiss and cuddle him all the time. When he’s around I’m happy but in front of other girls he gets the idea I’m jealous and angry but it’s a free world, he can do what he wants but why in front of me. I’ve always got to be there, I just pop up. He’s no man I know but to me he’s lovely although I know he’s a bastard to me. I do live in a dream and I can’t help it, I mean what’s real life but a bum hey! Films are great. TV is great. So why can’t life for ME!!! be great as well. Fuck me for all I care. I’m angry upset and gonna cry but it won’t come. I’ve birthday cards to open, smiling face to give and all these feelings and more bottled up inside me where no one can see so does G think I feel this or has he thought his way of thinking as I’m far deeper than he thinks and he’s got to find the real me I hope!!! But maybe I am me but want to be someone else, just hiding…… (not finished!!)

 

Raging Love – 18th May 1990 Aged 16!

Oh god what is he doing to me. He knows I wrote a letter but to give it to him would be a mistake. It wouldn’t change a thing would it. I’ve got to assure myself. What a bastard hey. As soon as L is gone his arm immediately went to C. What a complete utter c**t. Mum doesn’t want me to give him the satisfaction of knowing how I feel and I understand. There’s so many things I’m thinking. I’m going to be myself now huh!! That’s a joke if ever I heard one. I’m useless for who I am really arent’ I?….

(That night he climbed up my drainpipe and gave me a rose from next doors garden, a right Casanova!! All was forgiven again lol!! )

dav

 

If Only – 13th October 1990

S read my feelings on her

without my permission

Full trust has gone now

She let out mum did read my diary.

Then silence! I was shocked. In deep shock.

Then I shattered as my life seemed to around me.

I can’t explain the feelings of loss, love, anger, guilt, sadness

If only she was here now

If only she’d come back

I’d be alive again

If only……?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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