Poems, Goth Verse and even Song writing attempts of 1990 / 91

These are the rest of the poems I wrote in 1990, I was 15/16 and it was to be the year my mum died which was 12th July 1990 approx. 2.15am, and also the day of her 42nd birthday.

1990 was also the start of my first year at college where I embarked on a Make Up Artists Diploma at a local college in Kings Lynn, Norfolk. I started college in September 1990 and moved into a shared house around November 1990. My inner Goth had evidently exploded over the summer after a trip with my Dad to Llandudno, The Land of the Witches, North Wales. We visited many castles, circles, mounds and stones all around North Wales through Snowdonia and along the coast with ghost walks through churchyards, walks through Fairy Glens and Spear of Destiny/The Cure/The Smiths on the walkman! Well, where else would a 16 year old who just lost her mum and had been listening to The Fields of The Nephilim would want to go on holiday!! My Dad bless him was more than accommodating and it was a great 2 week road trip together with my Guardian S and my friend, L who joined us for the last week. Ever since, I have had a deep love for North Wales and visit friends still. But in 1990, still, no alcohol or drugs just in case you were wondering!

They are on scraps of paper which I have put into date order to reflect the unravelling of thoughts over a confusing time. Many are untitled so I shall use the date as the title and write the date as I signed them off as this differs dependant on my mood.

You start to see some different styles unfold with references to nature, thoughts, comparisons between us and the world we live in. Also a bit of surrealism maybe you would / could call it? I had no idea what it was, I just knew it felt good to write about nothing that made any sense. In essence I suppose I was questioning existence? And my first venture into song writing if you will, ‘Hidden Zit’ could have been a huge Punk Record NOT!!!!!!

 

01/03/90 – 10.45am

Again the seed is planted ready to grow

blossom

Spread across the world so fair

Venturing to new and unexplored habitats of natural life.

Wood so rough yet so caring

The plantation offering life to all

but who thanks it

Taking for granted

The human thoughts all over

We are just like them so why

treat so bad

Why not live as they live

Why do we have to ask why?

 

Feelings – 3rd March 1990

My heads like a  rubbish tip

All bitty and everywhere

4 years of my life blotted out

Cos of him, GF

It started off as arguing

His voice getting louder and louder

His fingers pointing and fists banging

Then it came

He hit her, not badly but bad enough

Blamed it on the drink so he stopped for 6 months

but then his dad died

He began again

Out came his anger on mum again

This time he’s leaving so he says

He talks and makes me feel guilty

But he should feel guilty

I’ve got so much anger

It’s unlike me to wish someone dead

But I really do on him

He’s mental I’m sure

Denies everything until it gets on top of him

He’s going this time for good I hope

Will mum be miserable, I don’t think so

Not after a while

Selfish I may be but then who’s to blame

He’s mixed my life up

Will it ever be good again?

 

17th May 1990

Hi Ya Tuts

How’s your stomach doin in a bowl that I stole and paid £10 to have a picture taken for of a tattoo which hurt me cos I’m knotted up like a balloon floating in the lake way down beneath an apple core for one boy I like sinks upwards out of reach to where I touch a cloud of marshmellow which tastes like me and fluffy snowballs bounce around n a dream of feelings I run towards a goal which has no prize to give me for my effort of laughing of my dog which said I was a jam tart which cooked in a fridge and melted in the oven.

(On the back G wrote This Excelent Poem Writen by Sam S was enspired by GB Very good 11/10)

 

Mum – July 1990

Mum

I love you is the first and most important thing,

but to follow this as well a thank you I will bring.

You have made my years so happy and always been there.

You filled me with your love and a lot of gentle care,

You give me encouragement for which I’m very grateful,

You’ve always been patient and stood by my every call,

and mum I’ll always be there as you have been for me,

And together we will live in peace for all eternity.

(This was the poem I wrote to accompany Mum’s posy of flowers for the funeral. I read it over the phone to a  lady at the florists for her to write on the card. I can still remember reading it out without a whimper but aware of those around and the lady at the florists, I think it would be fair to say it moved them deeply).

dav

 

Lost Love From All – 25th July 1990

I think this time I really do love him. I mean the real thing. Not just a crush or a craze but the real thing. I feel so randy and he’s so tempting it’s like when he lays with me we’re in a film, god how I’ve wanted to do things but I’ve had to hold back!! It’s unbelievable. He’s tempted me with his lips, tongue, hands, whatever I love it. It’s breaking me apart. I’m also missing mum as well I think. I don’t feel as if I love dad and he feels it. He seems to lecture me all the time but I don’t think he realises. I’ve just had it to easy in the past. But getting back to G. I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m going to have to talk to him about it. Get things straightened in my own mind as well as clear the air. It might even mean break up from seeing him. God I could feel terrible. I wouldn’t eat, sleep, socialise, I’d just feel so depressed. I want to speak to a psychiatrist. That seems it would take months to let out all feelings I own. Why me. My head is so full all the time. I’m Always thinking Never free of thoughts and feelings no one else knows as much as me. oh why is love so difficult in all aspects like “friends” and family. Will I make a decision or will I stand for the fool, well man I don’t know but someone out there must. But who, will they find me or will I find them?

 

Undated

In love am I for the second time around

Nobody knows how I feel

As he stares then smiles

My heart misses a beat

But will it end in a drain?

 

Shared Love – Undated

His eyes sparkle

His mouth smiles

Tender lips has he

Gentle arms hold me

 

A girlfriend he possesses

Little does she know

That I feel for him

Although I cannot show

 

It comes every night

Fun and laughter is our game

Words can’t say enough

I get weak at his name

 

Jealous I am

of her sweet love

Although he plays with me

I cannot see the peaceful dove

 

It will end in heartbreak

I know

It has done before

My luck is always low

 

She’ll get him

I expect her to

But the hope is always there

For me and for you??

 

25th July 1990

I want to see a psychiatrist

I’ve got lots of problems to sort out and I want nothing to do with my dad

BUT WHY? I scream to anyone

Why Me!!!!!

G is in the way and takes up a lot of thought

Does he really care or am I

living on a millimetre of a dream here

 

Undated

Walking down a dark winding road

You’ll get to the end where nobody knows

But I’ll be there watching

Although you will not see

As his dark figure stands over you

To learn quick is what you must do

 

Undated

He laughs when blood

seeps through

His eyes glow with love

But not for you my dear

But one who has obeyed him

 

Undated

Through a dark corridor

Net curtains sway

His footsteps tell you

What to do

This time you obey

For the last was not too pleasant

His hand striked your back

Blood seeps through

The thrill has reached him

And now it goes to you

But behold your thoughts

Cos he is in power

And however hard you try

He may turn sour

And that’s not wanted as

his actions are bad

So best stand in line

but you’ll never be sad.

 

Other Goth Poems 1990

Undated

The curtains flow

The game you know

but sly is he

So clever you must be

But someone to help could do better

Just call me one night

I’ll help with pleasure

 

07/11/1990

His eyes they follow wherever you go

Beware of them cos little you know

But beware of his games

Maybe join in

They could be fun

But will you win?

 

Undated

Questions you ask

The glass it moves

It answers your questions

And maybe leaves some clues

 

First attempt at writing songs!!!!!

Just Friends – Undated

Feel as if I’m wasting my time

You tell me your problems but don’t listen to mine

This happens to me all the time

Being just friends isn’t worth a dime

 

This happens to me again and again

Unless we have sex, you know we can

You tell me you love me, but just as a brother

I’m sick of this shit, so why even bother?

 

Why must a girl fuck with a guys head

and make him feel like he’d rather be dead

You fill my head with lies and truth

And we’re just friends because of you

 

Just friends Such a waste

Just friends Show my haste

Just friends This really sucks

Just friends Such a waste

 

You think we’d be the best of friends

Because our friendship should never end

I’ve heard the same shit over and over

My pride was high but now it’s lower.

 

Hidden Zit

Is it really there, I can’t see yet

I know if I squeeze it I’m gonna regret

If it gets real big I’ll be upset

It’s gonna be huge wanna bet

 

I just tried to pop it, my nose turned red

I’ll try again tomorrow to pop it instead

I just woke up and it’s still here

I squeezed it again, my fuckin eyes tear

 

I finally got it to come to a head

I squeezed and squeezed until it bled

It fuckin hurt bad, enough is said

My hidden zits gone but my nose is still red

 

Hidden Zit

Fuck that shit

Hidden Zit

Fucked up shit

Hidden Zit

Fuck that shit

Pop that shit

Hidden Zit

 

Feelings 07/03/1991 6.35pm

How confused can I get? Kill myself I say. Run away and get knocked down, starve. What can a girl do to cope without a Mum. I want to be with her, I want to hear her. I want to see her, I want to feel her. I fuckin want her. Bitch. How dare she, Why, I’m so angry again. Dad doesn’t know, I can’t speak to him. His alternative is to go to a gig and have a good time rather than go to see Mum’s grave on Mothers Day, I don’t know what the fuck I want. Who does. No one. Mum would. She’d help me but I wouldn’t be in this situation if she was here would I. I could talk to her about P who by the way is just like every other fuckin bloke in this world. I hate them.

 

May 1991

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain

I lost your love which had no name

I looked across the sea and saw

The fire in his eyes so raw

When he looked at me it was love in disguise

There he was standing in front of me

Tall and dark as he ever could be

There I was looking straight through him

Ignoring the wild call he sent to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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