1992 The year of hopes, dreams and beer. I was 18/19, had progressed from Goth and found my deep love of my generation’s Rock Music (which at the time happened to be the glam metal bands of LA’s Sunset Strip such as Guns N’ Roses, Skid Row, Motley Crue, Black Crowes, LA Guns, Love / Hate, Poison with the likes of Metallica, The Cult and The Almighty thrown in for good measure). It was loud, fast and hot! I remember my Dad saying to me one day as I wore my Poison T-shirt, ripped jeans, boots and hair all sprayed up “You’ll grow out of it”! Now my Dad is a great fan of music, although not this particular genre, and I as so many fans who find their heart and soul engulfed by this new found expression and freedom, just looked at him and simply said “Never” (and for the record, I never did). I fell for it hook, line and sinker! I wanted that life and nothing was going to stop me!
I was about six months into the second year and about four months from the end of my Make Up Artists Diploma in Kings Lynn, so I was not quite 18, two months off to be exact but I had just found the beloved pint and I went on work experience to Kerrang! The Rock/Metal music magazine in London and I loved it. Originally I requested to go out with photographers and meet make-up artists but one band shoot in and it didn’t feel right but I loved the live photos and lights at gigs and the banter and mayhem in the office where I was filing photos of bands, sorting out biogs, running to inform journalists where their next assignments were and who they were off to review / interview and I felt like I was in thick of it and that is where I wanted to be, not doing make up for bands or in a theatre but to be working in the midst of all the music that was Metal/Rock and so going back to college in my beauty and hairdressing get up just wasn’t doing it for me and so me and my mate put a pin in a map of Britain, went to Birmingham for a week or so and come back and……quit, both of us!
With quitting the course though, of course I also had to move out of college digs and back to my Dad’s house in Attleborough, Norfolk which was the small town I was born in but only lived in till I was 3yrs old. Dad was mainly living at his girlfriends at the time so I was home alone mostly. I was told I couldn’t put posters on the walls so I put them all on the ceiling in the lounge and dining room. Mmmmm, didn’t go down too well but he allowed me to keep them up cos he’s lovely like that and I was being a difficult teen. Twenty years later though he still moaned about the holes in the ceiling heehee! I tried aimlessly to get my Dad to tell the benefits office he had kicked me out so I could get some money and move in with RS, my partner in crime and best mate to this day, but to no avail and I just couldn’t understand why, I was fuming. My Dad point blank refused to partake in such a web of lies and enrolling me onto a life of scrounging and was defiant in ensuring I stayed at home and get a job.
I, on the other hand, had different ideas and put the time to good use and spent the next couple of months researching music industry type college courses, the different jobs in the music industry, what you need to get into the business and wrote letters to companies, reviewing and sending of reviews to magazines of gigs I went to, hopping onto the college bus to use the library and of course skive off down the pub at college when I had a few pounds from a babysitting job. You see, I wasn’t going to work in a dead end job like the kids on the music videos I was watching day and night, oh no, I was only going to work in creative environments but sadly beer cost money and so babysitting was really the only option available as my Dad’s kind weekly allowance for food didn’t go too far and so I stuck up a few cards about town advertising my services and had two regular jobs, and one had MTV!
This period though was another episode and stage of the spiralling depression, not that I knew or would acknowledge it at the time mind you. I was sleeping most of the time and that was my escape and when I was awake, my music videos kept me sane, kind of!!
As soon as I was 18 in May I was outta there, with a plan of course? I had applied to a Music Industry Studies course in Newark, which was near Nottingham, Rock City Heaven! I moved straight to my mate’s house and started signing on (it was so much easier then to move about and sign on), drinking and schmoking, life was sweet. My mate did her art, I did my poetry. You see I didn’t see it as scrounging off the state, no I was embarking on a career in the music industry, and this was a stepping stone for the summer until I could start the course.
I had two choices of courses, the course in Newark or the one in Scotland but I had faith, a lot of it, and so applied for just the Newark one. I was accepted on the course, even though I didn’t have the right qualifications again, following my interview which my Dad drove me all the way to. I was told that day they were so impressed with my ‘portfolio’ and enthusiasm and determination that they offered me a place on condition I attended all classes for that first year and could maintain the workload. No problem, I was chuffed to pieces. The last thing in my way was funding and so I headed back to Norwich and had to reapply for a grant as they didn’t used to generally give grants out once you quit a course. I remember traipsing all the way up to the council offices and I poured my heart out, mentioned something about the first course I chose when my mum was alive and was really doing it for her blah blah blah. That tore me apart inside to be honest but I was so determined and I was sure she would be proud of how this was all coming together. I also felt that was the only way I would get given a second grant by laying it on thick and then showing them my portfolio. It worked!!! Newark here I come!! Also in the meantime I had got myself some work experience at a local venue ‘The Waterfront’ and the Lighting guy took me on and it was brill. No wages, long days, 45 minute treks from home to the venue but I was doing it and sucked up everything I could. I learnt about lighting for bands, programming and operating, and was even asked to stay and in hindsight I probably should have but I thought I knew best and Rock City and the course beckoned.
Of course there is always a down side to working for free and spending your dole money on beer and schmoke as me and my mate found out! We were always skint, lived off mashed potatoes and gravy apart from on dole day when we splashed out on sausages or our speciality tuna & sweetcorn pasta. Every fortnight we would see this old homeless guy and invite him back for tuna pasta then he would just disappear again. Lovely bloke, an artist we later found out with a room but he just had his paintings there and lived on the streets. Our milkman was a life saver too as we could have things on tick like milk, crisps, eggs, bread and of course, potatoes lol, so it weren’t all bad and paved the way for years to come on how to survive on nothing!!
In September 1992 my Dad moved me in his car and took me to my new digs near the college which was a house share. The furthest I had been away from home (about 3 hours from Dads) and I didn’t know a soul. Excited, scared, lost but I knew it was what I had to do! Really it was only my Dad and my best mate I was saying goodbye too as well as a couple of college mates as my Nan and Grandad and two uncles were down Sussex and Dartford way and another uncle in London and as I was keeping myself to myself and keeping family at arm’s length at this point, I really had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I was on the road and the poems I wrote during this year were a heady mix of new experiences, loneliness and music, the centre of my world and all those ‘Idols’ I held up on a pedestal so high. At the same time I felt I could relate to them and that we had a mutual understanding of the pain in the world which I was learning, could be a deep dark hole or the brightest of nights. No in-betweens……..
Let time behold my little one
As the moon will go
And up will rise the sun
Curiosity is with you
Curiosity is with me
But only the greatest dare
To follow its key
When life gets too much
I escape to a place
Of music and dreams
Where nothing is waste
A world of freedom
A world of choice
A world where you
Can hear your own voice
No destructive or violent people around
Just relaxing thoughts to the one it surrounds
And they can’t see what well was dived into
Or what visions he saw
Through a forest I will walk
Footpaths I follow
Full moon seems hollow
I get distracted and go off course
It leads nowhere but somewhere
It will end
I will find out
Circle of Hope 11.1.92
Life is going nowhere fast
We all have dreams but how many last
Like a bull in a china shop
Everything crashes down
But my life soon looked up
When you come to town
It was a hot Summer’s day
I saw you across the street
With your long legs and short skirt
I soon dropped at your feet
You was my circle of hope
Never to end
My circle of hope
I swore I would send
You looked at me
And what could I see
But my dreams were unlocked
By your chosen key
And now together after that fateful day
We laid there wondering what to say
The love had gone
Never to return
And my dreams were back
Only to learn
That my circle of hope had come to an end
The love that we had you would send
Back to me in a package of love and hate
It was a chance that I had to take
Now I sit here lonely and think of you
My circle of hope has been destroyed to.
My World – Feb 1992
Slammin through the door from another days work
Wanting to escape the evil terrors that lurk
I jump on my bed and blast out my music
And escape to a world with others that use it
All I want to do is find myself
Where people abandon me my music calls out
I escape to a world where I can
Relate all my feelings to one single plan
Afraid of a boring life like everyone around
I desperately search for something with a different sound
Something that shines that I can relate to
That gives me the high that reach only a few
Everyone that passes me in the streets
Have expressionless faces and look at their feet
Well I don’t want to live like this
I want to choose where I can sit
Well I don’t need them and their day to day life
I’ll create a world where there is no strife
Everyone has freedom to do what they choose
And no one looked down upon for the things that they do.
My Aim Is He! 1992
I wrote these about my idol at the time W. Axl Rose.
You’re up in lights shining so bright
But beneath it all it ain’t so light
Problems are there but cannot be shown
for fear of exposure to everyone….But me!
I feel that I could hold your hand
and lead you away for a while
to a place where it’s peaceful and
You can talk of your thoughts and not
As no one will come back to you in a frenzy of rage
Escape with me to a place where you can be free
Escape with me to a place where you can let it be
Your thoughts and feelings that lurk inside
Can be unchained and shown then put aside
It was good at the top but then
Tales were told and you try to ignore them and carry on
Your friends are close but a lot deceive
And people have ideas of you but cannot conceive
you have realised that you have to keep to ]yourself but I can help just like Michelle
My idol I always dream of sleeps alone in my eyes
His reality does not reach me as I hold out my hand to his,
A spiders web coiled around my room where he used to be
Do you feel how I feel?
Do you see how I see?
Can we be together or is it all a dream
Hearing your voice
Watching your moves
But through a third person can it not just be us
No lies between
No arguments are seen
Just a perfect puzzle that fits into me
You don’t know me
You can’t see me
But each time I feel a longing
I turn and you’re there in all your glory
Then demolished by the line of reality
The real person I do not know
But an image I create
Can he ever feel free
Or will I ever walk as he?
One of Those Days – Spring 1992
I opened my eyes this morning to the feel of mourn
Remembering my mum and my heart felt torn
She was everything to me
Everything I wanted to be
And without her my life is gone
I have no enthusiasm in life anymore
Since the upstairs world let her in through their door
She gave me confidence
She gave me strength
But now all I face is an inside war
My one lease in life is my music
To seek my feelings through someone elses words
But even at times it loses that kick
And my cries are left unheard.
Followed Feelings 31.3.92
Saw you on the dancefloor
Just noticed your shirt
Our eyes exchanged glances
But at first just to flirt
Then we had a drink and talked outside
And all I noticed was the fire in his eyes
We danced a little more
But this time together
We talked as before
But this time more deeper
We moved on up to a warmer place
And both nervous together took our first embrace
My heart is raging for this undying love
My thoughts are staging high up above
But so far away it’s hard to see
The guy of my dreams lying next to me!
The feel of your tongue
The strength of your clasp
Made me shiver inside
As this could be the last
But emotions were exchanged and a hope maybe
That this may not be the last I see
Well time moved on
And we had to say goodbye
I can’t explain the feeling that tore me inside
So happy yet so sad to depart
From this guy of my dreams and his heart
Now lying here all alone in my bed
The longing thoughts linger on in my head.
I think of him, Does he think of me? 31.3.92
His hair, his eyes, his warm embrace
When I close my eyes I see his face
He’s impressioned against me
Oh why can’t you see
That this guy I’ve met
Is the lost soul of my dreams
I think of him, Does he think of me?
I talk about him, Does he about me?
I long for his kiss, Does he for mine?
Can’t you just tell me that everything is fine.
I dream of him so far away
Across land and sea, day by day
Only a letter I send
Hoping for a reply
But will it get blown away
By the fate of life
Maybe he hears me, my thoughts I send
But no one knows how it will end
It’s all up to him to let it be
I think of him, Does he think of me?
All twisted inside I don’t know why
Angry again about nothing
Strange feelings come to my eye
And noises arouse my head
Memories repeat and feelings reappear
Being told so many things that I can’t understand
In a straight way that’s not in hand
Feeling angry but not bitter
Feeling Mum but not the hug
Wanting Dad but not the tug
Do they understand why can’t they let me learn
Make my mistakes, have money to burn
Enjoy life inside all of the time
Not being let down and faced with crime
Given a lift and blown down by the wind
Only to be replaced with a sail
Being able to help but not given the chance
Can’t he see from my words that I too can dance
Wanting so much but given so little
Looking up to reach for my dreams
Yeah, a life but my happiness betrayed
As they took my one source and now I have frayed.
Starting Over – 29/7/92
I’ve suddenly come over all so blue
I’m not even sure from what it is through
It maybe Mum, it could be the boy
What is happening to me and do you know why?
Away I’ve flown but not satisfied my needs
I have not fulfilled my heart, the natural life I seeked
But all built up and everything leaked
I seem to be no further up the road than before.
No worries, No complaints just to be free
But life is out there for you and for me
To live our best is what we should do
But when you’re clinging on so tight
it’s hard to see you.
Everything seems to pass by
But I feel my life will differ
I feel I’ve a purpose here up high
And to learn of it in naturality.
But that has gone with the birds that
Spread their wings so far and seek the world,
No ties, just them and their chosen ones,
to soar free and high looking down on the world
as if to ask why we live how we do,
Why greed seems No1 and love and happiness
is under ruled by a gun.
Two men fight through scores of others and
nothing is resolved just people lying in gutters.
Old and young, fit and ill
Should glide into one as all can learn from each other
But he at the top thinks of himself
And selfishness defies his understanding of the
needs of the little animals that lye naked around him.
Confused of how they’re left
As they never asked to be put in the positions
That bear a cross in the end.
Graves mark deaths
Some fortunate, some maybe not
Some of ignorance, some that tied their own knot
Can we all see what is happening
Or am I to die as they’ve died before.
Can we not progress without money, so much of it.
What goes up is greed
What comes down is just another person
Well maybe next time sucker it could be YOU!!!
Poems once I had moved to Newark
Nothing is Something 18 Sept 1992
Flying again away from the stones that once held down the way to follow all.
So natural it lives so hollow it sees but deep in the river of a thousand miles lurking waiting for the line to be tossed and bought back to the muddy edge that watches all motions of clouds that form and explode delivering motor run concrete that breaks up through the horizon of life and emptiness of which is filled with thoughts and sounds generating through to the next life of creature skeletons as the way its ending all will be a shell with no inner knives to strike the back that is turned towards a wall of hell but open to the mind of an angel deep in the realms of your own imaginary line of death!
Flowing through the sea of shallow waters finding the entrance to a place unknown to a bee once flying across the floors of sanity where flowers bloom into an everyday existence of greyness reflecting what sweet odours once aroused in the rooms of ones mind running exhaustingly upstairs to a hole where only animals attend sinking back into the earth to nature of the garden of the underworld all blue creating yellow circles free of his speech today but maybe tomorrow he will discover the freedom that is barely shown to all?
Sitting wondering looking into myself through a field of green pastures lightened by rashes of colour like a dot set in an eye of wisdom enlightening the roads that are to be taken by the person across the street but led by no one as you are to find the path due to the style of the growth deep within her soul so innocent to the days activities reminding her of a playground so full of joy and careless aromas that surrounded the decade of existence until the earth shattering news of one so dear dropped and showed a new era of life with a new field to wander upon following a path alone as she dwells on the next life of hers.
What will it be like?
To speak I will cry
Friends don’t understand but he will won’t he?
He’s been through it and it’s the same time ago
How did he handle it?
What does he think?
What does he dream?
Does he hear her? Has he seen her?
Does he feel angry?
Does he feel betrayed?
Was she the only person to give him confidence,
Was it the same?
Am I seeking a dream idol and yet another to let me down or will it be fulfilled for once
Has she seeked him out and Mum please be there and show me to him
as I now think for I need someone to love me like you did,
Help and guide me like you did
I feel so alone
Will it all change or will I stay forever free
Until you and me in eternity?
Dad 23rd November 1992
Written for my Dad who was going to Australia to visit his brother for a number of months.
I want to say how much I love you,
Also how much I am very grateful for all that you have done for me.
I am so proud of you and I hope that in all sincerity that this trip of a lifetime fulfils everything you deserve and more.
Words cannot say how much you’re loved or express the thoughts I am thinking of,
But this is just a little reminder of someone who cares for you and who could never ask for a better dad than the one she has.
I LOVE YOU DAD
From your forever loving daughter, thinking of you always.
Why oh why does it have to be this way
I don’t understand but then when do I ever
Think things through just ties the leather
Why trust him, he’s just like the rest
As I said Mums the only one who can give me this and she’s not here.
I feel she’s let me down which is a horrible thing to say but I don’t understand how we met and it’s turned like this. Please explain. Please tell. Please love me as I will always love you.
Maybe an ego trip as that’s all they want,
I don’t think he cares how I feel
Look how sorry he was when he told me
How could he possibly know or if he does he ignores
One who lays the trap falls
But the one who is watching shall laugh!!
If she can give him pleasure
Can she give him pain
Maybe the dark one knew him
And played his own game
I can maybe understand what he thought
But cannot get a chance myself as
He moves on but stays the same
I move on and play another game
Without no one to help I learn myself
But he has help and parts his ways
It ends in pain once more
I will not be fulfilled until I open the door where love stands.
Core of Thoughts – Christmas 92
How strange to be near yet so far
How strange to not hear the engine of a car
So many around but no time to explore
Our findings of one may open the door
Enhancing the mind to horizons that stretch through wind and rain,
Forest and sea discovering the graves of one buried with a special time in our lives is touched and memories flood like a dam decaying slowly but with bursts of passion coming through, breaking through to one so close the ladybird could not touch or fly to the thoughts that banished.
The eyes that scattered the waves of reaction to the call of us all
The awakening of the answer
The pit of eternity
As our spirits mingle as one.
Then my soul rises and my heart towers,
One day I shall reach you again but until R.I.P my beloved one.