1992 – Idols, Drunken Rambles and the Pain of Love – It’s all about Following Your Dreams!

1992 The year of hopes, dreams and beer. I was 18/19, had progressed from Goth and found my deep love of my generation’s Rock Music (which at the time happened to be the glam metal bands of LA’s Sunset Strip such as Guns N’ Roses, Skid Row, Motley Crue, Black Crowes, LA Guns, Love / Hate, Poison with the likes of Metallica, The Cult and The Almighty thrown in for good measure). It was loud, fast and hot! I remember my Dad saying to me one day as I wore my Poison T-shirt, ripped jeans, boots and hair all sprayed up “You’ll grow out of it”! Now my Dad is a great fan of music, although not this particular genre, and I as so many fans who find their heart and soul engulfed by this new found expression and freedom, just looked at him and simply said “Never” (and for the record, I never did). I fell for it hook, line and sinker! I wanted that life and nothing was going to stop me!

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I was about six months into the second year and about four months from the end of my Make Up Artists Diploma in Kings Lynn, so I was not quite 18, two months off to be exact but I had just found the beloved pint and I went on work experience to Kerrang! The Rock/Metal music magazine in London and I loved it. Originally I requested to go out with photographers and meet make-up artists but one band shoot in and it didn’t feel right but I loved the live photos and lights at gigs and the banter and mayhem in the office where I was filing photos of bands, sorting out biogs, running to inform journalists where their next assignments were and who they were off to review / interview and I felt like I was in thick of it and that is where I wanted to be, not doing make up for bands or in a theatre but to be working in the midst of all the music that was Metal/Rock and so going back to college in my beauty and hairdressing get up just wasn’t doing it for me and so me and my mate put a pin in a map of Britain, went to Birmingham for a week or so and come back and……quit, both of us!

With quitting the course though, of course I also had to move out of college digs and back to my Dad’s house in Attleborough, Norfolk which was the small town I was born in but only lived in till I was 3yrs old. Dad was mainly living at his girlfriends at the time so I was home alone mostly. I was told I couldn’t put posters on the walls so I put them all on the ceiling in the lounge and dining room. Mmmmm, didn’t go down too well but he allowed me to keep them up cos he’s lovely like that and I was being a difficult teen. Twenty years later though he still moaned about the holes in the ceiling heehee! I tried aimlessly to get my Dad to tell the benefits office he had kicked me out so I could get some money and move in with RS, my partner in crime and best mate to this day, but to no avail and I just couldn’t understand why, I was fuming. My Dad point blank refused to partake in such a web of lies and enrolling me onto a life of scrounging and was defiant in ensuring I stayed at home and get a job.

I, on the other hand, had different ideas and put the time to good use and spent the next couple of months researching music industry type college courses, the different jobs in the music industry, what you need to get into the business and wrote letters to companies, reviewing and sending of reviews to magazines of gigs I went to, hopping onto the college bus to use the library and of course skive off down the pub at college when I had a few pounds from a babysitting job. You see, I wasn’t going to work in a dead end job like the kids on the music videos I was watching day and night, oh no, I was only going to work in creative environments but sadly beer cost money and so babysitting was really the only option available as my Dad’s kind weekly allowance for food didn’t go too far and so I stuck up a few cards about town advertising my services and had two regular jobs, and one had MTV!

This period though was another episode and stage of the spiralling depression, not that I knew or would acknowledge it at the time mind you. I was sleeping most of the time and that was my escape and when I was awake, my music videos kept me sane, kind of!!

As soon as I was 18 in May I was outta there, with a plan of course? I had applied to a Music Industry Studies course in Newark, which was near Nottingham, Rock City Heaven! I moved straight to my mate’s house and started signing on (it was so much easier then to move about and sign on), drinking and schmoking, life was sweet. My mate did her art, I did my poetry. You see I didn’t see it as scrounging off the state, no I was embarking on a career in the music industry, and this was a stepping stone for the summer until I could start the course.

I had two choices of courses, the course in Newark or the one in Scotland but I had faith, a lot of it, and so applied for just the Newark one. I was accepted on the course, even though I didn’t have the right qualifications again, following my interview which my Dad drove me all the way to. I was told that day they were so impressed with my ‘portfolio’ and enthusiasm and determination that they offered me a place on condition I attended all classes for that first year and could maintain the workload. No problem, I was chuffed to pieces. The last thing in my way was funding and so I headed back to Norwich and had to reapply for a grant as they didn’t used to generally give grants out once you quit a course. I remember traipsing all the way up to the council offices and I poured my heart out, mentioned something about the first course I chose when my mum was alive and was really doing it for her blah blah blah. That tore me apart inside to be honest but I was so determined and I was sure she would be proud of how this was all coming together. I also felt that was the only way I would get given a second grant by laying it on thick and then showing them my portfolio. It worked!!! Newark here I come!! Also in the meantime I had got myself some work experience at a local venue ‘The Waterfront’ and the Lighting guy took me on and it was brill. No wages, long days, 45 minute treks from home to the venue but I was doing it and sucked up everything I could. I learnt about lighting for bands, programming and operating, and was even asked to stay and in hindsight I probably should have but I thought I knew best and Rock City and the course beckoned.

Of course there is always a down side to working for free and spending your dole money on beer and schmoke as me and my mate found out! We were always skint, lived off mashed potatoes and gravy apart from on dole day when we splashed out on sausages or our speciality tuna & sweetcorn pasta. Every fortnight we would see this old homeless guy and invite him back for tuna pasta then he would just disappear again. Lovely bloke, an artist we later found out with a room but he just had his paintings there and lived on the streets. Our milkman was a life saver too as we could have things on tick like milk, crisps, eggs, bread and of course, potatoes lol, so it weren’t all bad and paved the way for years to come on how to survive on nothing!!

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In September 1992 my Dad moved me in his car and took me to my new digs near the college which was a house share. The furthest I had been away from home (about 3 hours from Dads) and I didn’t know a soul. Excited, scared, lost but I knew it was what I had to do! Really it was only my Dad and my best mate I was saying goodbye too as well as a couple of college mates as my Nan and Grandad and two uncles were down Sussex and Dartford way and another uncle in London and as I was keeping myself to myself and keeping family at arm’s length at this point, I really had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

 

I was on the road and the poems I wrote during this year were a heady mix of new experiences, loneliness and music, the centre of my world and all those ‘Idols’ I held up on a pedestal so high. At the same time I felt I could relate to them and that we had a mutual understanding of the pain in the world which I was learning, could be a deep dark hole or the brightest of nights. No in-betweens……..

 

Flashing Thoughts

Let time behold my little one

As the moon will go

And up will rise the sun

____________________

Curiosity is with you

Curiosity is with me

But only the greatest dare

To follow its key

____________________

When life gets too much

I escape to a place

Of music and dreams

Where nothing is waste

A world of freedom

A world of choice

A world where you

Can hear your own voice

No destructive or violent people around

Just relaxing thoughts to the one it surrounds

______________________________________

And they can’t see what well was dived into

Or what visions he saw

______________________________________

Through a forest I will walk

Footpaths I follow

Full moon seems hollow

I get distracted and go off course

It leads nowhere but somewhere

It will end

I will find out

 

Circle of Hope 11.1.92

Life is going nowhere fast

We all have dreams but how many last

Like a bull in a china shop

Everything crashes down

But my life soon looked up

When you come to town

 

It was a hot Summer’s day

I saw you across the street

With your long legs and short skirt

I soon dropped at your feet

 

You was my circle of hope

Never to end

My circle of hope

I swore I would send

You looked at me

And what could I see

But my dreams were unlocked

By your chosen key

 

And now together after that fateful day

We laid there wondering what to say

The love had gone

Never to return

And my dreams were back

Only to learn

 

That my circle of hope had come to an end

The love that we had you would send

Back to me in a package of love and hate

It was a chance that I had to take

Now I sit here lonely and think of you

My circle of hope has been destroyed to.

 

My World – Feb 1992

Slammin through the door from another days work

Wanting to escape the evil terrors that lurk

I jump on my bed and blast out my music

And escape to a world with others that use it

 

All I want to do is find myself

Where people abandon me my music calls out

I escape to a world where I can

Relate all my feelings to one single plan

 

Afraid of a boring life like everyone around

I desperately search for something with a different sound

Something that shines that I can relate to

That gives me the high that reach only a few

 

Everyone that passes me in the streets

Have expressionless faces and look at their feet

Well I don’t want to live like this

I want to choose where I can sit

 

Well I don’t need them and their day to day life

I’ll create a world where there is no strife

Everyone has freedom to do what they choose

And no one looked down upon for the things that they do.

 

 

My Aim Is He! 1992

I wrote these about my idol at the time W. Axl Rose.

You’re up in lights shining so bright

But beneath it all it ain’t so light

Problems are there but cannot be shown

for fear of exposure to everyone….But me!

 

I feel that I could hold your hand

and lead you away for a while

to a place where it’s peaceful and

everyone smiles

You can talk of your thoughts and not

be afraid

As no one will come back to you in a frenzy of rage

 

Escape with me to a place where you can be free

Escape with me to a place where you can let it be

Your thoughts and feelings that lurk inside

Can be unchained and shown then put aside

 

It was good at the top but then

something dropped

Tales were told and you try to ignore them and carry on

Your friends are close but a lot deceive

And people have ideas of you but cannot conceive

 

you have realised that you have to keep to ]yourself but I can help just like Michelle

IF ONLY!!

 

Idols 1992

My idol I always dream of sleeps alone in my eyes

His reality does not reach me as I hold out my hand to his,

A spiders web coiled around my room where he used to be

 

Do you feel how I feel?

Do you see how I see?

Can we be together or is it all a dream

Hearing your voice

Watching your moves

But through a third person can it not just be us

No lies between

No arguments are seen

Just a perfect puzzle that fits into me

You don’t know me

You can’t see me

But each time I feel a longing

I turn and you’re there in all your glory

Then demolished by the line of reality

The real person I do not know

But an image I create

Can he ever feel free

Or will I ever walk as he?

 

One of Those Days – Spring 1992

I opened my eyes this morning to the feel of mourn

Remembering my mum and my heart felt torn

She was everything to me

Everything I wanted to be

And without her my life is gone

 

I have no enthusiasm in life anymore

Since the upstairs world let her in through their door

She gave me confidence

She gave me strength

But now all I face is an inside war

 

My one lease in life is my music

To seek my feelings through someone elses words

But even at times it loses that kick

And my cries are left unheard.

 

Followed Feelings 31.3.92

Saw you on the dancefloor

Just noticed your shirt

Our eyes exchanged glances

But at first just to flirt

Then we had a drink and talked outside

And all I noticed was the fire in his eyes

 

We danced a little more

But this time together

We talked as before

But this time more deeper

We moved on up to a warmer place

And both nervous together took our first embrace

 

My heart is raging for this undying love

My thoughts are staging high up above

But so far away it’s hard to see

The guy of my dreams lying next to me!

 

The feel of your tongue

The strength of your clasp

Made me shiver inside

As this could be the last

But emotions were exchanged and a hope maybe

That this may not be the last I see

 

Well time moved on

And we had to say goodbye

I can’t explain the feeling that tore me inside

So happy yet so sad to depart

From this guy of my dreams and his heart

 

Now lying here all alone in my bed

The longing thoughts linger on in my head.

 

I think of him, Does he think of me? 31.3.92

His hair, his eyes, his warm embrace

When I close my eyes I see his face

He’s impressioned against me

Oh why can’t you see

That this guy I’ve met

Is the lost soul of my dreams

 

I think of him, Does he think of me?

I talk about him, Does he about me?

I long for his kiss, Does he for mine?

Can’t you just tell me that everything is fine.

 

I dream of him so far away

Across land and sea, day by day

Only a letter I send

Hoping for a reply

But will it get blown away

By the fate of life

 

Maybe he hears me, my thoughts I send

But no one knows how it will end

It’s all up to him to let it be

I think of him, Does he think of me?

 

29/6/92

All twisted inside I don’t know why

Angry again about nothing

Strange feelings come to my eye

And noises arouse my head

Memories repeat and feelings reappear

 

Being told so many things that I can’t understand

In a straight way that’s not in hand

Feeling angry but not bitter

Feeling Mum but not the hug

Wanting Dad but not the tug

 

Do they understand why can’t they let me learn

Make my mistakes, have money to burn

Enjoy life inside all of the time

Not being let down and faced with crime

 

Given a lift and blown down by the wind

Only to be replaced with a sail

Being able to help but not given the chance

Can’t he see from my words that I too can dance

 

Wanting so much but given so little

Looking up to reach for my dreams

Yeah, a life but my happiness betrayed

As they took my one source and now I have frayed.

 

Starting Over – 29/7/92

I’ve suddenly come over all so blue

I’m not even sure from what it is through

It maybe Mum, it could be the boy

What is happening to me and do you know why?

Away I’ve flown but not satisfied my needs

I have not fulfilled my heart, the natural life I seeked

But all built up and everything leaked

I seem to be no further up the road than before.

No worries, No complaints just to be free

But life is out there for you and for me

To live our best is what we should do

But when you’re clinging on so tight

it’s hard to see you.

Everything seems to pass by

But I feel my life will differ

I feel I’ve a purpose here up high

And to learn of it in naturality.

But that has gone with the birds that

Spread their wings so far and seek the world,

No ties, just them and their chosen ones,

to soar free and high looking down on the world

as if to ask why we live how we do,

Why greed seems No1 and love and happiness

is under ruled by a gun.

Two men fight through scores of others and

nothing is resolved just people lying in gutters.

Old and young, fit and ill

Should glide into one as all can learn from each other

But he at the top thinks of himself

And selfishness defies his understanding of the

needs of the little animals that lye naked around him.

Confused of how they’re left

As they never asked to be put in the positions

That bear a cross in the end.

Graves mark deaths

Some fortunate, some maybe not

Some of ignorance, some that tied their own knot

Can we all see what is happening

Or am I to die as they’ve died before.

Can we not progress without money, so much of it.

What goes up is greed

What comes down is just another person

Well maybe next time sucker it could be YOU!!!

 

Poems once I had moved to Newark

Nothing is Something 18 Sept 1992

Flying again away from the stones that once held down the way to follow all.

So natural it lives so hollow it sees but deep in the river of a thousand miles lurking waiting for the line to be tossed and bought back to the muddy edge that watches all motions of clouds that form and explode delivering motor run concrete that breaks up through the horizon of life and emptiness of which is filled with thoughts and sounds generating through to the next life of creature skeletons as the way its ending all will be a shell with no inner knives to strike the back that is turned towards a wall of hell but open to the mind of an angel deep in the realms of your own imaginary line of death!

 

21/9/92

Flowing through the sea of shallow waters finding the entrance to a place unknown to a bee once flying across the floors of sanity where flowers bloom into an everyday existence of greyness reflecting what sweet odours once aroused in the rooms of ones mind running exhaustingly upstairs to a hole where only animals attend sinking back into the earth to nature of the garden of the underworld all blue creating yellow circles free of his speech today but maybe tomorrow he will discover the freedom that is barely shown to all?

21/9/92

Sitting wondering looking into myself through a field of green pastures lightened by rashes of colour like a dot set in an eye of wisdom enlightening the roads that are to be taken by the person across the street but led by no one as you are to find the path due to the style of the growth deep within her soul so innocent to the days activities reminding her of a playground so full of joy and careless aromas that surrounded the decade of existence until the earth shattering news of one so dear dropped and showed a new era of life with a new field to wander upon following a path alone as she dwells on the next life of hers.

 

Questions? 27/9/92

What will it be like?

To speak I will cry

Friends don’t understand but he will won’t he?

He’s been through it and it’s the same time ago

How did he handle it?

What does he think?

What does he dream?

Does he hear her? Has he seen her?

Does he feel angry?

Does he feel betrayed?

Was she the only person to give him confidence,

Was it the same?

Am I seeking a dream idol and yet another to let me down or will it be fulfilled for once

Has she seeked him out and Mum please be there and show me to him

as I now think for I need someone to love me like you did,

Help and guide me like you did

I feel so alone

Will it all change or will I stay forever free

Until you and me in eternity?

 

Dad 23rd November 1992

Written for my Dad who was going to Australia to visit his brother for a number of months.

I want to say how much I love you,

Also how much I am very grateful for all that you have done for me.

I am so proud of you and I hope that in all sincerity that this trip of a lifetime fulfils everything you deserve and more.

Words cannot say how much you’re loved or express the thoughts I am thinking of,

But this is just a little reminder of someone who cares for you and who could never ask for a better dad than the one she has.

I LOVE YOU DAD

From your forever loving daughter, thinking of you always.

 

26/12/92

Why oh why does it have to be this way

I don’t understand but then when do I ever

Think things through just ties the leather

Why trust him, he’s just like the rest

No truth

No comfort

No love

As I said Mums the only one who can give me this and she’s not here.

I feel she’s let me down which is a horrible thing to say but I don’t understand how we met and it’s turned like this. Please explain. Please tell. Please love me as I will always love you.

Maybe an ego trip as that’s all they want,

I don’t think he cares how I feel

Look how sorry he was when he told me

How could he possibly know or if he does he ignores

One who lays the trap falls

But the one who is watching shall laugh!!

 

If she can give him pleasure

Can she give him pain

Maybe the dark one knew him

And played his own game

I can maybe understand what he thought

But cannot get a chance myself as

He moves on but stays the same

I move on and play another game

Without no one to help I learn myself

But he has help and parts his ways

It ends in pain once more

I will not be fulfilled until I open the door where love stands.

 

Core of Thoughts – Christmas 92

How strange to be near yet so far

How strange to not hear the engine of a car

So many around but no time to explore

Our findings of one may open the door

Enhancing the mind to horizons that stretch through wind and rain,

Forest and sea discovering the graves of one buried with a special time in our lives is touched and memories flood like a dam decaying slowly but with bursts of passion coming through, breaking through to one so close the ladybird could not touch or fly to the thoughts that banished.

The eyes that scattered the waves of reaction to the call of us all

The awakening of the answer

The pit of eternity

As our spirits mingle as one.

Then my soul rises and my heart towers,

One day I shall reach you again but until R.I.P my beloved one.

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