01 (Wednesday) – L split up with GB. Yeh. But I’m not going to come on strong or anything cos I know what he’s like. Told L how I still felt and I’m feeling really down cos of him so imagine What she must be going through. God, isn’t it he terrible really. Went to Plough with L, LN & C. Good. Don’t know how GB is with me but he should be normal. He does love her but he just can’t be faithful. Probably sold the house which is good news. £61 thousand + extras. Really hot. Probably be going on holiday around the 11th August. Not sure yet.
02 – L came round during the day. Went up town. Had a laugh I s’pose. Met C. Went up Plough then to Standard then walk up to Toftwood Rush’s Green. Had quite long talk to L about GB. Told her about C. Don’t mean to do it bitchingly but it just came out. I thought she knew. She had a rough idea but wasn’t 100% sure. She stayed the night. Quite good walking and talking as much as we did. We can understand each others feelings towards GB and we’re trying to help each other forget as much as we can. Stayed talking till about 2am.
03 – Got up quite late. Lazed around. Went up town. Met C. Saw J and A. Talked to them. They’re a laugh. L and I talked throughout the day about GB etc. Went to Downstairs. Stayed with J, A, C & LN all night. Quite good fun. L likes them but only as mates. Takes our minds off GB. “Haunted House” referred at back of diary. L stayed. Weather really hot. Went to bed late. Saw GB before Downstairs in his car and he looked really nice. Good having L’s company.
Back of diary – Conversation went
“Hi, are you living in my old house”
Me – “What one’s that”
“Mayes Terrace”
“No 2, yeah, why?” Told him about Mum dying.
“Has anything weird happened”
“No, why, what room, the dining room”
“Yeah, that’s it, have you seen anything”
“No but ever since I’ve moved in I’ve had a feeling that I’ll see someone dead sitting in our rocking chair but people just say it’s a spooky setting” and I described where it was.
“No, its not because we had a chair there and my Mum used to see a man in the RAF with a leather jacket smoking a tobacco pipe sitting in it but didn’t really take much notice”
I was surprised at this, he then went onto say a few things that had happened like babies crying in the attic, things moving etc and then he said “its not evil but it brings bad luck into the house cos his parents started arguing very badly. It’s the reason why they left”.
I found all this interesting and I know he didn’t make it up. Things aren’t happening as far as I know now because they more or less stopped when the dining room window downstairs was lowered. Things still moved but the RAF man disappeared. I feel better as I now know it wasn’t just my imagination I can detect a spirit or weird atmospheres. Funny hey! L and I became slightly scared.
Exam Results
- English B and C
- Maths E
- Science E / E
- Art F
- French D
04 – Got up earlyish. Went up town with LN & C, L, met J and A. Stayed with them all day. L and I went with Dad and SJ to a pub and had something to eat/drink. Good evening I s’pose. Still talked a lot about life.
05 – Went to Gt Yarmouth with Dad, SJ and L. Got ears pierced twice in left ear. Looking good. Went on few rides. Got some art postcards. Went to see Jimmy Cricket. Meant to be Cannon & Ball but stupid Dad got the dates wrong. Silly thing. L stayed again. When SJ took Dad home 11.45pm L and I went up town till12.05am. Good hey. It seemed really strange going out at that time. Town was empty.
06 – Got up. Had breakfast. Watched ‘The Shattered Room’. Watched neighbours. Watched some slides. L and I cracked up at some of me on a potty. My facial expressions were hilarious. Got some Gypsy Bread. Had showers/washed hair. Went to Doctors to deliver letter around 4.30pm. Came home taped some records. L went around 5.30pm. Had good few days with her. N can’t come on holiday. Asked L. Hopefully she can but I’ve a feeling she won’t because of no money. Go on my own with Dad and SJ, how fun. Cleared out cupboard. Really tired. Got letter from S.
07 – Woke up about 9.30amish. Got breakfast. Went back to bed. Sorted out photos for GF. Wrote letter to F. J came round. L phoned and said she couldn’t come. Phoned Dad, he said he’d give her £50-£60. Phoned her back. She was worried about her job. SJ had a word with the manageress (she knows her) She said it was fine so it’s up to L’s parents and L. Went up town at night. Went to Plough and Standard. Saw A, he seems really down. I’d like him to come round and talk. He may do tomorrow. I said he could.
08 – Went up town. E’s got the ump with me cos of looking after K tomorrow which I’m not doing now cos of her. G explained it to me and he’s quite angry. GB had a go at E as well I think, poor K. Talked to GB on the phone. It was really nice. I do miss him. Thought a lot about Mum today. Quite upsetting. I was quite depressed so when E acted how she did, I could of really shouted at her but I didn’t cos K was there and it wouldn’t be fair. L is coming to Wales for the 2nd week, I’m getting really excited. Going to Norwich tomorrow. Sorted Mum’s clothes out today. Got some dresses/tops. Good eh!
09 – Stayed in. Prepared for holiday. Went to Norwich with L. Got quite a few things e.g. black bag, purse/wallet, etc. Good day. Stayed in at night. Quite tired. Didn’t look after K. Glad in a way cos I was able to go to Norwich but, I would of liked to have her, E’s a bitch!! L got her ticket. She’s coming down to Wales on the 19th. Good. Looking forward to it. Picked dad up around 8.30. Saw GB.
10 – HAIRDRESSERS 10am – Got hair cut. Cut well but didn’t look as nice as normal. Packed case. Went out to Downstairs with L. Quite good I s’pose. Went home early (11.30pm). Went to bed about 12.30am. Really excited. Got to get up again at 3am. Oh god, what an hour. Wonderful travelling though.
11 – HOLIDAY TO WALES – Left house around 6am. Got up at 5am. Long journey. Once we found place it was double booked (wasn’t very nice anyway). Staying in another one around the corner. Quite nice. Bit weird but that’s cos my mind will think like that in a new place. Ever so silent in general. Wales is a nice place.
12 – Got up about 11. Slept fine. Went into Beaumaris, the little boating town a few miles from us. Had something to eat and looked round shops. In evening went to a medieval evening at the castle in Beaumaris. It was really good. Lasted a couple of hours. There were stories and dancers on stilts to do with the devil. Very effective. Bloke in costume playing medieval instruments and a one man show which included magic. It was really funny. Went to a pub after. Quite good day. Tired. There is something going on with Dad and SJ. She told me but he hasn’t and I’m not to let on, I don’t mind at all as long as he isn’t using her which is what she is worried about.
13 – C’s BIRTHDAY – Got up around 10.30am. Went into a few towns, really small and quite dirty, only a few shops in each and they’re just like Post office / local stores. Stayed in a little bay that was nice. Watched people do lots of different watersports (water skiing/canoeing/speed boat). Good fun. Dad & SJ went for a walk and I listened to my music. When they came back took a walk up to the lighthouse. Nothing there really. Went to Holyhead (dock town). It was dirty and nothing there and its meant to be one of the biggest towns. Went to local pub, it was quite nice. Really tired again. Keep thinking about Mum and getting upset in myself but not told Dad. I am missing her. Thought a lot about GB today.
14 – Went to a stately home today but I stayed in the café while Dad and SJ went round. They took about 3hrs. I got a bit bored. Went into a town and had some fish n chips. On the way there we stopped off at a place of some historical background (fort, mounds) took some photos, quite interesting. Went to a local inn at night. Last night had a dream about Mum and how she was in Wilby and that she didn’t die in her car crash but she didn’t want anyone knowing her whereabouts except SJ. I told GB that I saw her and L knew and GB told everyone although I don’t know if he did. Missing Mum and GB a lot actually. Hope he’s alright.
15 – Went into Beaumaris around 3pm. Went to castle spent about 2 ½ hrs in there. The outside forts got a bit tedious but the inside passages were good. Went for something to eat around 5.30pm. went to Red Wharf bay into a bar. Wasn’t that nice. About 10.15am went into another pub on way home. Quite good. Met 3 blokes, 2 of which spoke to us for last hour or so. 1 of about 50 odd and one of about 20. Quite enjoyable. Spoke about all things like music, witchcraft, football, various places in England etc. In a book I read on Anglesey and it said that Llandudno was once a home of witches which is where we are staying, weird hey! (Find out about dreams relating to car crashes, had one about GB, LN, Mum)
16 – Went into Bangor today. I bought 2 tapes Spear of Destiny ‘Grapes of Wrath’ and The Smiths ‘The World Won’t Listen’. Really good tapes. Also bought a couple of mags and batteries. Had meal. Dad bought himself some trainers. Rained in the morning up till about 3pmish. Went to Liverpool Arms Hotel again. Quite good. Did hair all freaky in front, looked good. Lots of young people in bar which gives a better atmosphere. Thinking of GB a lot still but maybe not as much as yesterday. In the restaurant we ate in “Wind Beneath My Wings” came on which got me thinking of Mum. Its really upsetting.
17 – Went and looked at some ancient sites around Western Anglesey. Quite good. The burial chambers were very interesting but its very hard to imagine what it used to be like as most were repaired incl some pieces were re-established. In morning went for walk to beach with Dad and SJ. Walk to beach down a 35% hill and up a 25% hill. Not as tiering as I thought but bad enough. I wouldn’t rush to do that again. Went for a meal at cottage restaurant in evening. Good day, rained most of it and quite cold.
18 – GOING TO COLWYN BAY – Left about 3pmish to go to Beaumaris then after look around (I bought four keyrings and sleepers (changed gold studs in ears to silver sleepers) bled slightly, don’t know if I’m doing right thing) Left for Colwyn Bay about 5.30pmish. New flat very nice. Dad and I went out about 9.30pm and phoned L to tell her address etc. Then went for drink and got chinqy on way home. Bit weary of house. Terrible stomach pains.
19 – L IS COMING UP 6.25pm – Went into Llandudno. Got quit a few postcards. Met L off coach. Went to pub at night. A bloke from Glasgow started speaking to us. Quite good night. Had a Chinese. Its good having L here. Good laugh. She’s now going out with J from Mattishall. Rained heavily today.
20 – Went to Conwy today. Went on a Ghost walk with L around the town in a tour. It was really interesting. Bought a book on it. Also bought a book on theatre make-up and one about facts on witchcraft and black magic. It seems very interesting. It tells of rituals etc which are so sick. It’s unbelievable some of the things they do, I can’t describe how horrible it is. In fact, it might change my views on things. I don’t know. Quite jumpy now but I’m sure it will pass. Had a good day.
21 – Walked into Colwyn Bay in afternoon with L. Had dinner in a café. Bought a skirt from the spastics society shop. Its nice actually £1.95. L bought one as well. Bought Spear of Destiny tape £2.99. it’s not as good as other one but still quite good. Finished reading the book. It was really interesting. It’s made me aware of the kind of people they are but also filled me in on true facts not idol gossip. Went to Rhyl at night. Went to amusement arcades and “knights covern” which was a walk through Wales past included an evil path, witch, goblin and medieval walks. Really good. Had good evening.
22 – Got up and out early today. Went to Llanberis. Had a snack. L and I split up from Dad and S. We was meant to meet them at 4 to go horse riding but they didn’t turn up and we didn’t really want to go so we went on a rowing boat. That was a laugh. Went round and round in circles, we got about ½ way across the lake. Went back to car around 6pm. Waited for Dad and SJ. Talked about Mum. GB with L. quite good. Went to Fire Fantasia at Caernarfon Castle at night. It was brill. Took loads of photos. They had the stilt company again but this time it wasn’t as good, it was more of a pantomime of Gorge & the Dragon with comedians etc. Fire works and light show were brilliant.
23 – yippee!! L told me to say that now (11.17pm) right, here goes. Went to Betws-y-Coed today. Dad said SJ went for a long walk, L & I looked round the few shops available. Went into the pub for a drink drink!! And played on a fruit machine. Had meal tonite. Sent off all postcards. Our results would have come through today. Oh my god, dread to think about it. Got home quite early. Sent evening talking to Labout friends / school etc. quite good day all in all.
24 – went to Criccieth. Had something to eat. Looked round few shops while Dad and SJ went to castle. Got K’s present. Think about Mum a lot. Went to restaurant at night in Colwyn Bay for a meal. It was really good. When we got back we gave Dad and SJ a present each to say thanks. They were really pleased. Really tierd. L seemed to have enjoyed the holiday and I definitely have. Tried to phone A but it was engaged for an hour so we gave up. Everyone will know their exam results today.
25 – COME BACK FROM WALES – Got letter from S. Got home around 11.30pm. next door is up for sale. Can’t wait to see why!! Journey quite good. Unpacked stuff. Got exam results. Pleased with English and French. Expected what I got in maths. Disappointed in science and art.
26 – Lazed around a lot. L went in morning. Went to Kings Head to have meal with SJ and Dad. Sat around town with them. Went to party at night in open field with L, C, LN. Saw GB. He looked nice as always. L spent a lot of time with J. I moved around a bit. Good fun. Ended at 1am (early) because of drugs. Dad said I could be in at anytime so us 4 went to 24hr garage in Costessy. Got back in Dereham around 2.20am, went home 2.45am. L & C stayed. GB is still his normal self. Drugs flying around again, stupid. Ignored E.
27 – L went to work. C is getting snotty cos of L & I together but L doesn’t care. It’s annoying for me cos it’s L’s choice to see me and I like it so why should it stop. Up town with C and LN. Saw GB and D. Came home around 5pm. Oh yes and I nearly forgot, how could I, E said she got raped last night. I say Bollocks, alright he may of forced her but it wasn’t all him I doubt. She probably couldn’t get out of the situation serves herself right although IF it was I feel sorry a bit. C went round 6pm. L and I went up town and she went around 10pm. Quite good.
28 – Went up town. Got a job at Little and Large, start on Saturday 9.30am to 5.30pm ½ hr lunch £13.50 per day. Dads really surprised and pleased. I’m really happy. Things starting to pick up again. Nearly forgetting GB. College starting. New job. Brilliant. Saw KC around town. He’s split up with J. Saw her later. They’re still good mates. He’s going to college on same bus. So is J. Can’t wait. Went to DOS at night. Quite good. Went down churchyard. Stayed with D and A, GB was too busy with the girls. Typical. Looking after K tomorrow.
29 – looked after K. Took her up to Norwich then we both went swimming in Dereham. Her pools nearly fiished. Took her home. Saw GB. Went shopping with G, GB and K. G paid me £2.00 so I took it, why not. I thnk he may got the message I’m not hanging around for him. Ha Ha!! Looking forward to college tomorrow. Great new life hopefully. GF is a BASTARD. I hate him and I’m really angry. He’s stopped the sale of the house until he gets a settlement. Well he’s not the c**t sucking bastard.
30 – COLLEGE 2 DAY INDUCTION COURSE – Went to college. Terrible getting up at 6.15am but really good. Met lots of new girls. Stayed with L (Goth 18) and G (16). Didn’t do much. Just got to know wach other, filled in a few forms and wrote about our aims, ambitions and chose our A levels. I’m doing A Level Photography and GCSE communication studies. Went to town at night with L. Quite good but boring. No one about hardly. Saw GB but hardly spoke. Went to bed around 11pm. Dad phoned.
31 – Got up for college same time. Did nothing all day. Really bored. Quite good laugh with the group. 2 girls, 1 from Yorkshire and 1 from Southampton, 1 from Kings Lynn, 1 from Lincolnshire, 1 from Bungay and me. Brilliant laugh but probably have to keep away and with G as she’s quiet and I’d work more with her. A bit too quiet but there you go. Really tired. Went out to fair with D, called for GB. M said I looked lovely. How nice. GB looked nice. Smarty pants as usual but I knocked him for six a few times. Had quite god laugh. Bed 12.20am
September 1990
01 – WORK – Went to work. Quite good. At least it was busy. Didn’t take too long to get used to it. Went to Downstairs at night with C & LN. M said I looked gorgeous again. Good eh! I did look quite nice, wild hair and eyes. Didn’t see GB. Oh well, fuck him.
02 – Really tired today. Went to the George and had some dinner with Dad and SJ. Went up churchyard in afternoon. Quite good fun. Saw GB, A, etc Went home around 6.30pm. L came out at 8.30pm. went to Plough. Got chatted up by a boy. Called G. Typical another G aswell. Poser etc. LN came in so we spent all night with him. Saw GB and D towards end of evening. I took wet out of GB and he didn’t like it.
03 – Went to college. Did sod all except our timetable. Haven’t got hardly any makeup (3 or 4 hrs Theatrical per week). Put in complaint about hairdressing – would like to do some period / drama hairdressing. Didn’t do much all day. Stayed in at night. Had shower / washed hair. Solicitor got letter from GF’s solicitor listing everything GF would like and only 2 or 3 things are his but the cutlery, ornaments etc are all Mums, I’m so angry I could kill him. I really hate him the bastard.
04 – Went to college. Quite tired. Did communication studies. Quite good fun. This is going to be a fun lesson. This boy R I sat next to is a laugh and comes from Swaffham. Wrote secretively about our thoughts on a person we’ve never met in the class. That was fun. L came out at night. Stayed round town, saw J. I’m so angry with GF. I’d like to plan a revenge in a few years to get to him mentally to fuck him up completely. It will be good.
05 – 2pm PSYCHOLOGIST – Went to Norwich at 10.48am. Before I got a really baggy grey jumper from children’s society shop for 50p. It’s really what I was looking for. I collected my £10 voucher from Barclays and in Norwich I bought Barclay James Harvest (BJH) LP but I might take it back and order another one or get an All About Eve one. Went to see psychologist. Roughly told her subjects that were bothering me and she seemed to think the occult was a main one. Quite good session. See her next Tuesday.
06 – Went to college. Quite good. Its picking up. Had L Y (teacher) for a lesson which we share with the second yr students for extra practical time with her. One of her 2nd yrs put a blue beard on me for an assessment of hers. Quite good. The slit wrists were quite good. Etc. I can’t wait to do that. I’m getting really excited. Bit upset Mums not here to see me do it. Went out with L to fair. Stayed with J a lot of the time. Good fun. Saw various others. Very tired.
07 – Went to college. Got showed how to do basic male / female stage makeup. Basically, the same as I do. Quite good. Gout our make up kits. Brushes and few other things have yet to come. Should be there Monday. For photography have to take 20 photos of the town where I live as if for information leaflet. I did 18 after I got off the bus and I’ve 2 more to do. Went to BP party (21st). Good at first then they played hip hop crap. At 11pm the management closed it and few people went mad and there was a big food fight etc. Quite fun to watch. Poor B though. L & J walked me home.
08 – Went to work. Quite good again. Gave S £6 to keep so I can start saving. She’s going to give me however much I want in morning and I can put it in bank. Didn’t go out, too tired. Dad wasn’t at home when I tried to phone.
09 – Felt really low. Had a good cry for about an hour about Mum. Did good I think. Met dad in Norwich. Went to Pizza One Panckae Two. SJ met up with us and we went to the Festival House and saw a live American Rock and Roll Group (Heavy Metal) Peace, Love & Guitars. They were brilliant. Really glad I saw them. Nicked a poster. Good design. Brilliant night.
10 – HAD A DREAM OF DOING WITCHCRAFT OR THINKING OF IT – Went to colleage. Blisters killing me, it really hurts. Quite good day. Brought kits home. I’m really excited about my make-up one. Went to a buffet disco at SJ’s work. Met two blokes (lager louts) and a girl (gothic). Quite good except they all drink/drugs etc. Bit weary because of her interest in witchcraft. Quote “she is obsessed by it but would never practice anything” Could be a trick. I’m not sure. I doubt it. Really tired. Danced etc.
11 – PSYCHOLOGIST 2pm – Went up to Norwich. Got another Southern Cross. Stupid I know. I wish I hadn’t but I can’t take it off can I? Couldn’t see the psychologist because it’s not until next Tuesday. I’m really annoyed because I wanted to see her ever so much. I’m getting worried because I think I’ve got into it too deeply for me to be cool about it. I frighten myself with thoughts but I can’t help reaching or talking about it. I hope its nothing serious. GB’s birthday today . Didn’t know till L came round so I wrote a couple of poems on a piece of paper about darkness and he thought it was something else, well tough luck mate cos it wasn’t.
12 – Went to college. Quite good. Met couple more goths. Talked of the occult and they are interested like me but wouldn’t do anything although one would like to try the Ouija board. I wouldn’t. Learnt of manicure, hand/arm massage and bones in the hand. Not as hard as I originally thought. Still frightened, phoned up A. She’s alright. I think she’s different with me than what L explains her to be. Had good talk. Going to see The Fields of The Nephilim at UEA early October with L.
13 – Went to college. Felt quite weird today. I seem to look at everything with a curse or wickedly. Made someone up as a straight stage female make-up. Quite good. Meeting A tomorrow in Norwich. Went up town at night. Meant to meet L at 8.15pm but she didn’t turn up. Went down churchyard and she turned up about 9.10pm. I was angry. GB’s got his car back. Gave me a lift home from town to home after college. Spoke to him, just us 2 at about 10.20pm. Really horrible to him before and he informed me it really hurt him (cont in back)
Talked to GB a lot about how I felt and why I was horrible to him but he swears that he really does want to be friends (good one) and he means it when he says “I’m only a telephone call away” I think I should believe him . After I had said how rotten I’d been to him and he was upset, imagine how I should feel and he apologised and said he really meant it. When he went at 11.40pm he gave me a cuddle and he really does feel as if he’s missed me. Now I’m sounding like my old kind self. He says I’ve changed and I have but I can’t change back. For some reason I prefer this way although its bitchy and horrible. I hope he does mean it and I’ll just have to hide my feelings. I don’t like him like I used to (Bollocks) do I?
14 – PSYCHOLOGIST 4pm – Went to college until 11.45am. Went to Norwich. Met A. Quite good seeing her again. What she told me wasn’t that interesting. Its true what she said but its not 100% real. She thinks she could have made it up / dreamed it. She really doesn’t know. I don’t imagine she could be as strong to hold off 3 black magicians forces. Oh well. Went up town. L went to fair in Watton with R. I didn’t want to go. Saw LN and C. Stayed with them. LN is silly cos he reckons if C finished with him he’d kill himself. Took off upside down cross tonight.
15 – Went to work. Paid £12 into bank. Had quite good day. Went to wedding reception with L (D’s from DOS) Met R, K, T, A & I. Quite good laugh. Left early went to churchyard. Totally shitted myself up but it was good. Saw LN for a few minutes. Alright.
16 – OUIJA BOARD 8pm ONWARDS BE AT CHURCHYARD 1st – L stayed last night. Went up town quite good. L went at 3.30pm. She had to work. Went up churchyard. Quite good fun again. Went home around 6.15pm. LN called round and M came. Went up town. LN and I went round S’s with M, I hated it cos they were all smoking dope and I s’pose I was frightened. Didn’t do Ouija board, I don’t think I ever will. Well if I do it, it won’t be around S’s. N up church is quite fun. Burnt a photo of GF today on top of a pentagon. I doubt whether it’s killed him but may put a frightener on him.
17 – Went to college. Quite good today really. Comm studies was a good discussion, I really enjoy it. I’ve been elected to represent my tutorial class in the student’s union. I know Mum will be proud. I told Dad with ever such a lot of excitement, but I didn’t get the response from him or SJ I would have got from Mum. I feel like crying as she’s not going to be here. Its like an obsession, wanting something but I can’t have it, its terrible. I want her so much. Went up town at night. Not that interesting. SJ’s really upset cos of Dad, she annoys me at times but there you go.
18 – PSYCHOLOGIST 2pm – Went to Norwich. Got Nanny and Grandad a Grandparents day card. Saw the psychologist. Quite good today, discussed a lot to do with sex, trust, men, Mum not being here. Quite helpful. Came home with L on bus. Quite good early evening. Did homework. Didn’t go out. I wonder if GB is back yet.
19 – Went to college. Quite good day. Did quite a lot. Wrote letter to S at last. Got to send them off tomorrow. Should get there Saturday. Nothing much really happened. Met L at Florin after college. She’s really low cos of getting back to normal routine. GB & D are back. Haven’t seen GB. D’s really depressed. They got back at 3pm yesterday so they were probably out last night. Stayed in tonite. Early to bed. Slept well last night.
20 – Went to college, developed film. They’ve all come out well. Good fun. Did ageing in make-up. Got to get things to add to my kit soon. Looking forward to that. Went out with L at night. Cold and wet. Really boring. Saw GB. Didn’t say much. Really tired. L was depressed so when I started getting ratty I felt a bit guilty but I couldn’t help it. It’s cos I’m really tired. Oh well. Hope she understood. She don’t think her Mum will let her go to the Nephs gig. She better do.
21 – Went to college. Learnt stage cuts and oriental make up. They’re both effective. Really enjoyed it. Went to Downstairs with L and LN. It was alright. Really tired. L is still quite depressed. Nothings much happened. House sale has fell through.
22 – GRANDPARENTS DAY – Went to work. Quite good. Put £6.50 in bank. Bought tights for college. Sent Nanny & Grandads card to wrong house. Typical. Phoned them up. They might come down on Friday. SJ’s gone on holiday. Dad’s come for a week.
23 – Went to George for dinner with Dad. It is good being with him. Went to Florin after. Saw L, LN, D and GB etc. LN, L & D came back to mine. Just like last year except there’d be 10 of us. I wish it was then. Mum was alive then. She’s not now. I get really upset easy now. There’ll never be anything in this diary again saying what Mum has said or did this day. God I’m angry.
24 – Went to college. I think Mondays are my worst day. Hairdressing is OK. I saw a girl come in who works at the BBC and she gave us loads of info. I was asking all the questions. I think I am more dedicated than a lot of them. Hopefully if G and I get a placement for work experience at the BBC in London, we can stay with her relatives. Looking forward to it. Cooked dinner for Dad and I like it just us 2. I will be upset when he goes. See Psychologist tomorrow and looking forward to it.
25 – PSYCHOLOGIST 2pm – Went to Norwich. Met L and A. Went to Burger King, got lots of stuff for make-up kit. Saw psychologist. Talked about anger, friends, self confidence, the two G’s, Mum, self consciousness. Quite good. Went to churchyard. C sent me a letter through H that she wanted help cos she frightened she might be getting possessed again. She can’t come out so I’ve sent her a letter through H. Hope she’s alright. Don’t know if L likes me. I won’t contact her and if she doesn’t me then tough on me in it. C and LN have split up.
26 – COME ON – Went to college. Not that good but alright I s’pose. Did manicure. Not too bad. Cold is still the same as yesterday. Comm studies was good again. Went down churchyard to meet C. She didn’t really say much apart from what she wrote in letter and questions I asked her. I don’t want to frighten her but I’m afraid that I am. She gave me the necklace, it’s just a plain chain. Going to dinner tomorrow night with L, her parents and maybe C.
27 – Went to college. Now do dance and drama CSE on a Mon and Tue morning. I’m really pleased. Developed negatives and enlarged a photo in photography today. Really good. I’m quite proud of it. Had an oriental make-up today, it was quite good. Went out to Norwich to a Chinese restaurant with L, C and L’s parents for L’s birthday. Had a really nice time. I’m really tired. Got a bit upset coming home and not being able to tell Mum what I’d done.
28 – Went to college. Quite good. Learnt how to apply a beard. Prepared hair in wig making. Really tired coming home. Went out at 9.30pm. Met L and LN. I like LN but he’d be fine but I’d be frightened of hurting him. He’s still upset about C as well. He came round for ½ hr at 12.15am and he just talked. He thinks I don’t like him how I used to but I couldn’t turn round and say I do but… or could I? Maybe I regret it now. He is nice but I don’t want to get too hung up on me so I could?
29 – L’s BIRTHDAY – Went to work. Quite good. Just me and S today. Gave L her card and poster. She liked it. Went to Plough then Downstair. LN’s crying his eyes out and L was. They were both totally gone but I care for them. They are my friends. L stayed the night. Really angry with GB cos she wanted help and he didn’t give a shit so he said. Typical of the bastard. 30 – Louise went at 10am. Stayed with D and LN all day. Quite together LN & I were, even in front of everyone at the Florin and made me feel wanted like this time last year probably. But at the end of the night he still reverted back to how much he loves C etc. I can see myself getting hurt one way or another but then ‘m always that one that is hey! It always was if it wasn’t GB, it was LN. Just the same as all times.
30 – L went at 10am. Stayed with D and LN all day. Quite together LN & I were, even in front of everyone at the Florin and made me feel wanted like this time last year probably. But at the end of the night he still reverted back to how much he loves C etc. I can see myself getting hurt one way or another but then ‘m always that one that is hey! It always was if it wasn’t GB, it was LN. Just the same as all times.
Where The Earth Meets The Water 