October 1991

01 (Tuesday) – NOTHING MUCH HAPPENED AT TECH BUT GREAT TIME WITH EVERYONE AROUND.

02 – M’s got a car. M phoned about 10pm. It’s really nice. I didn’t know what to say but I’ll see him tomorrow nite.

03 – BLACK CROWES CAMBRIDGE CORN EXCHANGE – Went to work £23. Went back to Thetford. Seeing M tonite and as 3 are going to see if we can get a ticket for gig cost us £25. Worth it. M asked if he could see me again, of course what did I say but yes. Got off with him. I really like him and according to G he really likes me although I’m a bit worried about his ex girlfriend but I’ve been told I should be. Gig was brill. I took some photos but I don’t know whether they’ll come out, hopefully.

04 – Went and sat in Tech. Went up to see KM + RS + went to see M. She said that she doesn’t get bad feelings with this just caution which is typical. I’m so excited. Went to pub not that good. Came home early.

05 – PARTY AT THE WALKS AFTER PUB – Phoned M and he’s coming over hopefully about 8pm. M came over. Bit edgy at first but by end of the nite we were together in arms at the pub. NL was there. Really happy. Went to walks but party was crap and it was freezing so came home. Sat on settee with C + B. Had a great laugh. When they went  up we kissed like non stop, Wild! I now have a boyfriend. Beserk hey! He went at 3.45am. I’m really happy. I don’t think I have to worry about his ex, S.

06 – He phoned at nite. He got really done off his parents I found out last nite that his brother got killed 2 years ago when he was 17 on a motorbike and his Mum lost her first child as well so there’s a lot of hassle on him.

07 – Went to Tech. At hairdressing I cut a bob and was really pleased with it. It looked well smart. Quite proud of myself. K’s boyfriend A came up so we went to naval.

08 – Didn’t go to Tech. M said he can come tomorrow nite for K’s birthday but then when I came back from the pub quiz there was a note saying he phoned and said he couldn’t and he’ll explain why. Had Tarot cards read. Knew I shouldn’t of as soon as he layed them out I felt uncomfortable and they were mixed down that I did have them read. Meditated in my room about it. J + S came up.

09 – K’S 21^ST BIRTHDAY – Went up pub today all day. Really good fun. By nite though  I was really knackered. Went up pub at nite. Really knackered so came home at 10.30pm. Been trying to get hold of M all day but no one is in. Really strange. Apparently when C answered the phone he sounded really down, ill. I’m quite worried.

10 – Went to work. J + S went home today. Got £22.80. Can’t get hold of M. Went to meditation. I got hold of my Chinese bloke. I told M that he was wearing white, holding a stick and old but very jolly. He is my teacher and very important. Came home early. Phoned M at night and his Dad said he was out so I asked him to call back when he got in.

11 – He didn’t phone last night. I think I’ll give up. Went up Gt Yarmouth with K and A. Went to Sam’s Disco in Norwich. It was good. Went back to J’s. He was in a terrible state. Had a laugh with everyone. Fell asleep around 6am. Chill out!!!

12 – Went into city. I’ve still got a stomach ache. Had a party at nite. Gt fun except I didn’t drink cos of my stomach. Still can’t get hold of M. Fuck it!

13 – GRANDADS BIRTHDAY – Yes I got pissed starting around 10.30pm. Gt fun. Got off with I. He’s a damn good kisser. He’s nothing to look at but he’s really good fun. We took him to the train station. He should phone tomorrow but when S, B + I got back to J’s, M had rung so I rang him back up and it’s fine. He just got chucked out and then he got taken back. Not really sure why didn’t phone but I feel SHIT now cos of I. Who do I like, them both. I want to stay with M but I don’t know how to tell I. Stress man, chill out!!

14 – UNCLE A BIRTHDAY – Went to Tech. Was OK. Feel really bad about yesterday. Phoned up M. He’s going to phone tomorrow nite. Asked M what to do and she basically confirmed what I felt – not tell M cos there was no need but to tell I + we still be friends. I didn’t phone.

15 – Z + her Nan (back of book) – Went to Tech OK. Went to tech disco. Really good fun. Stayed with P, PG, P, M, Gt. A bloke + his girlfriend came over (G + J) and asked if I’d been to Sam’s in Norwich cos they’ve seen me up there. Nice couple. They’re going to ‘Wolfsbane’ Hopefully I am. M phoned up. Got through. Had quick chat. He’s going to ring tomorrow. Gt. He was pissed. Typical haha! I phoned but I weren’t in.

16 – Went to tech. OK. M phoned. Lovely. He’s phoning tomorrow to arrange Friday, can’t wait. Talked to J about Demonology and I felt really angry as he was tellin me same feelings I used to feel. I also felt he wasn’t doing it for the right person + I will find out + help but soon. I feel I have to and I am stronger than he although he knows facts + have positive spirit.

17 – LEVELLERS – Went to work. £8 all day crap or what. Good fun. Phoned I + told him. I felt like shit and told him I did. I don’t think he’s happy but I feel he will come to me maybe. Hopefully as he’s really nice. Meditation went ok. Circle is comfy. M, D, J, KM, S, M H. M rang but I wasn’t in so I’ll give him a ring tomorrow.

18 – Didn’t go to work. Went back to G’s. Saw M. He was pissed but had a good time. Met his friend G. He seemed nice.

19 – BLACK CROWES HAMMERSMITH – Went to London. Went to gig at nite. It was brilliant. I was so close. After I got the bassists autograph Johnny Colt and there was Chris Robinson in the car window. Then we was real close. I can’t believe I saw them. I took some photos. Hopefully they will come out.

20 – Came home. Saw M at nite. He was really pissed. Met his friend R. Good laugh but short tempered. I’m not sure if I’m glad I’ve seen his friends. I am cos they’re nice but oh I don’t know. Basically I still can’t trust him cos don’t know him and I can’t comprehend that I’ve got a bloke all to myself. Can’t stop thinking about the gig.

21 – HALF TERM – Saw M briefly as he was tripping etc so I didn’t stay. I didn’t like to see him like it. It reminded me of LN, worry and all that.

22 – Came back home to Kings Lynn. No one else is here. PG came round with C, M, C. Went shopping. Had good laugh. Phoned M.

23 – Stayed in. KM was meant to come round but she didn’t. No phone call either. Typical. Z was meant to come but she didn’t until about 9.30pm for a few minutes. Bed early. No phonecalls. S has finished with P. Don’t know why.

24 – Getting £176 from council Saturday + then £17 every week after. Got letter from LW. LN’s got a girlfriend. When I read it my stomach went and I got a lump in my throat. Why? I don’t like him anymore. I’m sure I don’t, do I? Hopefully M will be coming tomorrow. For some reason I’m a bit down. Photos didn’t come out at Cambridge. £11.07 for my cowboy boots to be done.

25 – Yes well it’s basically SHIT. Went up town. Got some boot straps. Pretty smart. Photos didn’t come out of Black Crowes. Oh well. M came over with G. Nicked his parents car again. It was OK in start. Then they were talking of lack of violence in Lynn which I had words with him then came the crunch, he took some acid tabs. He was shot. Apparently G said he is doing it very often. I can’t be fucked. It’s totally confused me. I’m going to tell him that if he can’t see me straight then I don’t want to see him and see what he says. I’m upset, angry, confused, basically how I was with LN. Why me hey?? Shit Fuck Shit Fuck Shit Fuck and Shit again!!!!!!

26 –

27 – Quite pissed off. Saw film ‘Beaches’ It had song by ‘Bette Midler’ + Bette Midler starred in it. Quite good being as though I felt upset + watched it. Also watched ‘In Bed With Madonna’ and a part where she visited her Mum’s grave I poured with tears. Dad phoned. Had few words with him. OK.

28 – Went to Tech. Hairdressing was OK. Felt real pissy again. Really down for some reason. Can’t get to grips. I feel that I really shouldn’t be here + at the house as all the girls are just there. I can’t explain how I feel.

29 – MEDITATION – PG had his hair cut short, Went to Tech. I still feel the same. Went round to Ms at 4 as I was desperate to see her. Talked through till 7 about loads of things. Did meditation. Earlier on in the day I went to library to find something, an celebration for make-up and connecting with meditation I now realise that finding The Year Of The Horse (china) I have to read so I’ll go tomorrow to see. I feel a lot better. Had a go at C cos she left a note saying wash up. I was real angry. Same couple of people have phoned but no one  has a message for me so I don’t know who or what if it was important. Fuck em! I feel alive when I’m around M’s with live people.

30 – Decided to go away with RS, leaving on Friday. Quite normal day. It was good fun.

31 – Got ticket to Birmingham to go tomorrow with RS. We’re staying at her cousins. I’m getting real excited. Stayed round hers.